Dear Mama,

I never liked to talk about this much, because it’s personal and sad. I hope that by sharing, it helps someone in pain. I lost 9 babies through IVF. Some call them embryos. I call them babies. So, I mourned 9 babies (some boys and some girls) that we couldn’t implant on transfer day. My pain isn’t anymore than someone else’s. I just hurt. I hope as more years go by, that the pain will go away. I’ve dreamed of what being a Momma would be like. Yes, I’m a bonus Mom, and I’m very grateful for that role. Just a reminder, that it takes thick skin as I spend every Mother’s Day alone, because our girls are with their Mom. I’m not bitter. I don’t need a pat on the back. I understand. I do, because that’s what I’m the best at. When our girls had 4 tickets for a recital, they talked about giving one to their Mom, Grandma, Dad & sister. I, being the understanding bonus Mom, told my daughter not to stress it…Invite your Mom, Dad, Grandma, and sister – they are your blood. It’s ok. They should be there (in my best excited, supportive, understanding voice). I meant that. I didn’t want her to stress about not having enough tickets to give one to me.  So, I sit here tonight crying and wondering if this will be our year, and I still want to have a baby.

I long for a child. When I was just a child, people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I wanted to be a Momma. I’ve always had a way with children, a bond, a way to relate, a love for babies. I’m not ready to give up hope. At 42, Maybe it’s time to throw the towel in. Maybe it’s not. At the end of the day, I want to have a baby. I want to give birth to my baby. The girls call their Momma, Mommy. They call me, Kristin. For anyone who says it’s the same, you haven’t walked in my shoes. It’s not the girls fault either. it’s no ones fault. They are precious, innocent children, who happen to have a bonus Parent, me. I’d love to have my own child and to be called Mom, Momma, Mama, Mother, or Mommy.  Me wanting a child doesn’t make me love them any less. Not at all. There is so much more than being called Mom, not enough time to type out the pros of creating life. Sean and I want to expand our family. So, to all the Mama’s who’ve lost, who feel sad, I see you. I’m praying for you. Don’t lose hope. #ivf #infertility #internationalbereavementmothersday

My First Blog Post

Hey! Welcome to the Pleasant Hill Ranch blog. I am so excited to share a glimpse of my life, a sliver of my soul, many years packed into these simple, but heartfelt blog posts. I want to unravel the yarn and slowly roll it back up as I share what I love about life sprinkled with experiences that shaped me: Ranching, Horse life, DIY Projects, Weight Lifting, Farm Fashion, and my passion for animals – in that you will meet Hope, Bob, Maggie Poo and Sweetie Baby.

Most of my free time is spent with the hubs on DIY projects. I’m that lady that likes to dress up and layer on some bling paired with super cute heels, but will also throw on some jeans and boots and run an 800 foot water line if needed – that will be a blog post in itself later. I go ditch to ditch on fashion. Lately, I’m in gym clothes with a suit jacket and no make-up. Weekends, I’m in work clothes with boots and no make-up. However, if you see me in the street, hahahhaa, I couldn’t resist. No, really, if you see me on Insta, I’m decked out to a T most of the time. However, this is NOT everyday me. Everyday me is work clothes, hair in a pony tail, and no make-up. And, if flip flops would keep my feet warm all winter, I’d be wearing them right now. I love some flip flops! Instead, I’m usually still in my gym shoes and workout clothes until I go to sleep. I try to embrace the cute pajama sets, and well, it’s just not me. I’m way more comfortable in oversized pants or shorts or a t-shirt, looking more like a train wreck that shopped the latest Goodwill rack. No knock on Goodwill, because I shop the mess outa some Goodwill. Fashion is just something that I always dreamed about, but never could afford. I would sum up my choices today as Thrifty Tara who goes on a date with Expensive Ethan every now and then.

I’ve struggled with weight loss and have finally found the recipe for a healthy life. The workout program that has changed my life is I never ever thought I would enjoy weight lifting. I’m hooked! The community of women in this workout program are so empowering and supportive. I’m down 30 pounds and counting. I don’t have any number that I’m trying to get to. I really think people should ditch the scale for a while. You start to feel the benefits of a healthy life inside your soul, and it shines out like rays of warm sun. I’m happier and healthier. I count macros – still not great at that, but I’m learning. Lifting has healed me from the inside out. I’m stronger.

Shopping for me consists of Walmart, Walmart, and Walmart, with a little Nordy’s and some support of local businesses sprinkled in there. Who doesn’t love a good Walmart find? Speaking of that, I just opened two packages today – a Def Leopard T and a pink, cheetah print slip dress – looooooooooove. I just shared that fit on Insta.

And, I love Christmas!! Is there even any other holiday? Kidding – kidding – kidding – all you Halloween lovers out there. Don’t stop reading now. As a Bonus Mom, I’ve learned to embrace the beautiful darkness of Halloween, and I’ve grown to really, really like it as well. I mean I love playing dress up! Win-win!

Now, come on in and sit down. You hungry? I’ve got some oatmeal with a dollup of yogurt, sprinkled with walnuts and cinnamon (blah, healthy stuff), or I can make you a bowl of Magic Spoon cereal, fruity flavor (still healthy), OR how about some poached eggs on toast? If you’re more of a grits lover, then I make some mean cheese grits swimming in butter. I mean what Southern girl doesn’t want to feed their friends? I know, I know, you’re hung up on how I know anything about poached eggs. I had the best of both worlds. Mom from Massachusetts and Dad from Ohio. Raised in Georgia. Back to the menu, because I love food – if it was lunch time, I’d warm up some Garlic butter chicken with brussell sprouts sprinkled in again, garlic, and toast a piece of Ezekiel bread with Land O Lakes whipped butter (50 calories).

Back to the butter. I just can’t stick to the spray. I end up spraying 15 squirts. I’ll put the palm of my hand on top of the squirter and bam, bam, bam, bam, bam ,bam like I’m in a race… and well, I still feel unsatisfied. Butter makes the meal. Now, don’t get it twisted. If there are peanut butter cookies (well, any kind of cookie), brownies (the middle gooey ones), or pecan pie for that matter, then I’d be stuffing my face with them. One must have balance. And, some days, I’m too busy to stop and eat much, so I warm up a hot pocket. Yep, a hot pocket. Nothing fancy about that.

I’ll close with this – if someone would have told me that I would be writing a blog ever in my life, then I would not have believed them. Me? Writing? Psfffff, ugh, no. I hate to write. How funny are those words as I type them, to think I would ever hate anything, never mind writing. I mean I love to read. Yes, maybe strange. Seems that those two hobbies, reading and writing, would somehow be intertwined and related to each other. Isn’t life fascinating though as it unfolds, each chapter can be like a novel you once read or a collection of 25 completely different series all melded together. You laugh through most chapters, cry through some, feel lost in others, found in the next series, grateful and blessed, hurt and loved, strong and weak, empowered and broken, healed and empty, then endlessly scanning your project list for the next adventure.

I hope by sharing pieces of my life, that it heals, empowers and encourages.

Love, Kristin